I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
