It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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