I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Jerry, you need to find god
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
