You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Hippo gnu deer
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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