you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
