So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
