he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
