question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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