do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
