The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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