Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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