So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
