Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
