i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
