i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
