GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
