this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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