I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
