That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
