before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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