Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
