I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
