The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
is it fun? or sober?
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