I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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