I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Randomize
