Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My dick has a subreddit
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
