shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
