god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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