I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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