I'm laying in your front yard are you home
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
