I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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