She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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