my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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