i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
