A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
