Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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