Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize