My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
