Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
