I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
