Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Randomize
