I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize