Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
