Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Randomize
