I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
