Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
