so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
