Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
