Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
