So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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