I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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