please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
