Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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