Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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