my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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