What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize