Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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