You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
