Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
