see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
