Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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