I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize